Musings...

Perception of Maturity

scarey.clarey69@gmail.com — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 19:35:00 GMT

Interesting one, this one.

As many of you know, I live in a house with Mikey, Mikey's mum Joan, and Mikey's dad Steve. On the whole this is a harmonious arrangement, apart from a couple of pet peeves I have trouble with.

I'm sure I've mentioned in the past that I only ever wanted my living here to be a short-term thing. Sadly circumstances have made it a little more than that, so much so that, since I am on a 17-hour contract at £5.78 per hour and Mikey is on, well, nothing, for various reasons, there isn't any light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. So from time to time, randomly enough usually at about this time of year it starts to get to me. I get that Post-Yule Blues thing going on. You can usually pinpoint the cause of this to my current living arrangements. Don't get me wrong, I am VERY aware I am insanely lucky to be living somewhere where all my bills are taken care of, I am fed as much or as little as I wish, right up to home cooked healthy meals with the family, and I still have privacy in the form of Mikey's 'apartment'. This isn't living however. Not in my eyes. I am existing, I'm a placeholder for my life until such time as I move out, whether on my own, or to start our lives together in a little love nest type thingy. I'm not living.

I -do not- like living off charity. From time to time certain weird 'manners routines' in my brain sort of take over in a purely illogical fashion to attempt to even out what my skewed world view sees as discrepancies and I will refuse to eat downstairs, preferring to eat whatever I've bought from Asda that will go in the microwave. I am painfully aware that this is a) very stupid, b) possibly causing offence to people for the wrong reasons and c) not really accomplishing anything. Sadly my subconscious still cannot realise it and hence we have my 'wig out weeks' where I hide away and exist off micro pizza.

I've just come out of one of these weeks and finally went downstairs for the evening meal tonight. Food was cool as it usually is, but the end of the conversation got to me. Wouldn't have usually apart from the fact that Mikey picked up on it.

Joan called us both 'children' in a reference to something or other. When Mikey pointed out that he was 28 and as such wasn't a child any more he was greeted with a reply of 'you're my child and I shall call you so if you wish' Yes, very true, and a fair answer I am sure. However, for some reason this nettled me. So I waited until the table went quiet again and I said very quietly, 'Sooner or later if you keep referring to someone as a child you will mentally percieve them as such.' Yep, those words exactly. You can tell when I'm angry because I get very polite, very quiet, and very wordy. The reply I got was 'Not in this house.'

THIS very incident is why I feel uncomfortable here. Yes, it is Joan and Steve's house and I will obey their rules as long as they are generous enough to let me live here, rent and bill-free. But it feels like we really -are- seen as children. I love Mikey to absolute bits, but I don't think he understands what it means to get out there and -live-. To balance the books, sink into a hot bath in -your- place at the end of the day, to wander around naked at 3am eating cornflakes out of the box and know you CAN, because this is YOUR PLACE. So I guess in some ways if I were his mother I would still view him with a certain amount of immaturity.

I, however, HAVE done these things. I have had a full-time job, a child, and a flat. I have paid my bills at the end of a month, done my shopping, put little one to bed and sat in a mountain of bubbles with that secure happy 'mine' feeling.

I AM an adult. I have undertaken these 'rites of passage' and conquered them. I AM NOT A CHILD.

Yet while I live here, I will be seen as one. This is why I am so unhappy. I used to be independant, happy, social, outgoing. Now, because even a sanctuary is denied to me, I have nowhere to hide from anything. I hide at work, in sleep or in WoW.

How do you talk to someone and explain that you would like to be treated as a equal, not a surrogate pre-teen? She buys me cat teddies, and other silly little things, which is adorably lovely, but it just reinforces the fact that, whether she means to or not, sees us as children.

Sooner or later this is gonna come out. I don't want to think about that. I think when it does I may be looking for somewhere else to live. This saddens me greatly. Not because I am some sort of leech enjoying the gravy train, but because it will break something that hasn't really been given the chance to grow yet.

Bleh, I'm no good at this shite. I'm gonna go shoot something.

Omg...

scarey.clarey69@gmail.com — Sun, 25 May 2008 21:39:17 GMT

Was talking about paladins and whether they're any good as tanks with a guildie earlier. And he showed me this. I didn't really have a comeback. xD

Indulgence

scarey.clarey69@gmail.com — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 17:48:32 GMT

I dreamed of you last night.
I felt your arms and heard your words and smelled your hair asleep
I saw your smile and sparkle in your eyes and in your laugh
I smiled and dreamed and slept and sighed
I dreamed of you last night.

I cried for you last night.
I tossed and turned and felt the empty space beside my form
I sobbed and let the tears run down my face and wet my skin
I missed your arms and voice and eyes
I cried for you last night.

I came for you last night.
I bit my lip and arched my back and sweat was on my skin
Your name was moaned between my teeth and fire ran over me
I felt your touch though you weren't there
I came for you last night.

I loved you, all last night.
I thought of you and smiled and said your name in wistful tones
I saw your face in my mind's eye and snuggled down to sleep
I missed you then, and miss you still.
I love you, all the time.

scarey.clarey69@gmail.com — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 21:01:15 GMT

Decided to have a large MSN friends list cull.

Kind of prompted by getting virus-ed in the ass - not because I don't trust people, but purely cos what's the point of having a gazillion contacts when I only talk to a handful?

But, yeah. That's it really.

Rogues do it...?

scarey.clarey69@gmail.com — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 04:12:45 GMT

Had to be shared.

Snippet

scarey.clarey69@gmail.com — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 06:43:36 GMT

She sits herself on the ground, the innocent-seeming artifact glimmering in the warm light. Taking a deep breath, she begins to sing. The melody is simple enough, purely there to aid her in concentration. She has to empty her mind, and singing this short tune over and over seems to be working...her harsh gruff voice is by no means beautiful, but there is a haunting pulling sound to the notes...something that her Beloved picks up on instantly...

There are no words to this song. The gentle music begins to take on a life of its own...and as Schlutt watches, he almost sees another face over that of his mate...a twisted harsh replica that is also singing...but this song is not pleasant. Again, no words, but the tune is saturated with death and suffering. With the lust for power and fel magics. As he watches the atmosphere darkens, almost imperceptibly. He looks around, spear at the ready, his cat growling in the back of his throat. The Elemental Guardians draw in closer, the Elementalists steadily pacing in front of them. As the orc watches, the overplay of the shade separates out from Jaha, and stands in front of her. Jaha gets to her feet, still singing, yet the voice doesn't seem to be hers now. There seems to be more than one involved...He turns to each of the watchers in turn. There, in front of each Guardian, the Elementalists are singing. Each voice carries the cadence of its element....the strong throaty deep voice of Earth. The harsh, passionate raging voice of Fire. The sweet, ethereal, intangible almost voice of Air. And the soothing soft flowing voice of Water. In the midst of this is his Jaha, raising her face to the rapidly darkening sky, singing, ever singing. He resists the urge to join the compelling melody...knowing that his place is watcher, not participant. As he watches the rapture of the elements coursing through his mate, he sees the flickers of portals on the edge of his vision. The shade is almost fully out of the artifact now....yet still irrevocably bound to it. The bonds are evident around it - as he looks at the singing shade, tainting the haunting music with the discord of its fel magics, it is evident that the crystalline fractures of the artifact still house the majority of its power. Yet still, the shade reaches out, calling to its brethren....the portals are wider now, the music louder and sweeter, almost painful. The Guardians are lost to the magic that is so thick around the circle you could wrap yourself in it...and the portals grow ever wider.

Schlutt sends his cat to the nearest with orders to kill whatever emerges. Glancing at Jaha's cat, who is also beside him, he nods at the creature, urging it to another portal. Hideous horrors are coalescing at these fel-gates....too many eyes, arms, semi-humanoid shapes with an inherent 'wrongness' about them. He shivers, not fear, but revulsion. The demonic scum is coming ever closer to this plane, called by the strength of the Forge Camps littered about this broken world, by the laughing tainted shade in front of him, by the demons that lay in waiting oh-so-close on the other side of this fragile plane. And the shade laughs and sings, the cracked disharmonies spewing forth at odds with the life giving melody issuing out of the very ground itself now. The shard is vibrating from the strength of the magic coursing through it. Cracks are forming in the artifact, and the shade's eyes gleam a sickly green colour.

As if at a given signal, each Elemental Guardian moves forward. The Fury of the elements rains down upon the shard, and the shade begins to writhe, its singing becoming a horrific shrieking. Yet the battle isn't won yet. At the same moment, the portals burst open and a horde of rampaging imps surge towards the centre of the circle. The cats leap into action, snapping and snarling at the devilish tricksters. These are the weak ones, the harbingers. The emisarries of what is to come if they don't stop this now. At the very north end of the circle, the largest portal grows more solid, more palpable. An enormous Infernal is growing there, imbued with all the power the shade has left. Schlutt snarls and urges the cats forward. He aims his bow towards the very centre of the portal, and waits.

The singing is still going...Jaha is barely in control any more, She is merely the vessel, letting the music flow through her, through the circle, through the Elements themselves. As the music courses through her very veins, she can feel it carrying the essence of her soul with it, and it is that which is weakening the shade. The Guardians continue to pummel the shade with all that they have and the music swells to an almighty crescendo. The Infernal is very nearly solid, Schlutt is waiting for the crucial moment to send his arrow spearing through its rocky core. Jaha throws her head back and the music almost explodes upwards in a palpable beam of coloured light. The heavy clouds are blasted asunder and the shade shrieks, a soul-tormented wail. Its very appearance fractures, the cracks gleaming brightly with pure white light. The portal falters, then begins to fade. And with one sudden motion, the shard and the shade both explode in a fiery haze. Fragments of the artifact fly out in all directions, yet seemingly pass through all gathered there, as if the rite had taken the substance out of it. And Jaha falls to her knees, unconscious.

Opinions welcome. :)

Yayness!

scarey.clarey69@gmail.com — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 20:50:13 GMT

My muse is back! FINALLY managed to tie up an old storyline and get bang up to date with my beloved Jahadiel - much winness was had by all :D

Yes, this makes me smile a lot.

Thank you.

:D

Long overdue Update

scarey.clarey69@gmail.com — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 15:42:26 GMT

Might well be a long one :D Lets see if I can remember everything I need to write about:

Work
Work is coming to a close now. It was only ever temporary and I knew that, but it saddens me lots that I'm leaving again. When I started they told me there were no vacancies, and I have kept that very firmly in my head while I worked there. But there are 2 interesting things going on at the moment - the first is that our manager Darran and our 3rd keyholder Jimmy have applied for jobs in the new Lincoln branch that's opening. This leads to lots of ifs and buts and whatnots but in short it means there are possibilities of vacancies if either of them (or both!) get the jobs. In truth, I hope that Jimmy gets his because applying externally I have a better chance of getting 3rd keyholder than assistant manager, and no chance or desire of getting manager. I love Sammy to bits and would love for her to get manager, would not dream of going for it instead. The other randomness is rumour has it that the Sunday guy Andrew has handed in his notice - the reason being he has a full time job during the week and he knows us temps want to stay on o.O I never really worked with Andrew but he is the kind of guy I wish they would put in all gaming stores - knowledgeable, funny, and not once does he come across as patronising, sexist or elitist. Something that still irritates me about other people I work with, and even some of Mikey's colleagues. I remember going into Grantham Computer Centre waaaay back with a PS1 game I had a problem with and being made to feel like an idiot...not long after that in Tailored Systems in Grantham I had a very similar experience when trying to get hold of a rare PS2 game. I may sometimes seem sensitive over the issue but I've seen this sort of thing even at Choices, when I was assistant manager and the guy who shows us previews of games came in and asked 'Is there a manager about love?' when my badge had my title on it -.-' so sometimes I will get uppity when it seems there's no reason to :P It's scary how much of it there STILL is o.O
Anyway, I digress. :D I'm hoping for either the 4 hours Andrew is leaving, or that one of the guys goes to Lincoln (preferably Jimmy!) then I can apply for whatever comes up :D It gets sticky if I'm already in the company when higher vacancies come up because to promote internally you have to have done certain courses they provide. Externally, they just go with whatever's on your CV. So I guess that might be slightly easier :D Well, here's hoping!

Charlotte
A while back I got a phone call from Sue (Charlotte's guardian and grandmother) saying they were moving to the Peak District in a week. I'm not going to make excuses - I've acted shittily over the summer, too wrapped up in my own issues to go anywhere near Charlotte...part of me didn't want her to see me at my worst (most of you know the score) but part of me is just plain scared of Sue - she always makes me feel bad about the situation, not intentionally I don't think, and she has every right to, I mean , she's looking after her granddaughter full time while diabetic and with a clinically diagnosed bad back. She has a degree and is cleaning for a living. So yeah, guess I'd be resentful as well. Thing is, if I took Charlotte away from her, it would kill both of them. They're more like mother and daughter than we are now...I'm surprised if she even considers me more than an auntie that visits rarely. I'm not cut out for parenthood. That's why Emily's in care. *shrugs* I do need to change things though...it was pointed out to me by a good friend not long back that Sue is getting on in years, and Charlotte could well be late teens/early twenties when Sue leaves us, and it could screw her up if she's got no-one to go to...I'm just not sure how to go about things. I have her christmas and birthday presents and cards still here, all ready to take over. Yeah, I know, its January, and her birthday was the week before christmas...Mikey has suggested we call Sue and arrange a weekend to go over there and have our own little 'second christmas' but I'm scared to talk to Sue again because of the guilt thing - I'm putting it off until I get a new phone. Then I can call her and get it all out of the way.

Friends
I recently got back into contact with a couple of old friends - one via Facebook and one via a text that came out of the blue :D Which is great! On the subject of more local, closer friends, I finally managed to put to bed the mess that I have since refused to comment on....I managed to mend a friendship I very nearly lost for good, and sever one that may or may not have been good for either concerned. I'm not gonna say any more on that. Have been seeing quite a bit of Hannah and Peter (comparatively to everyone else :S am still having 'leaving the house' issues) which has been much win-ness, but I still need to get out there and poke other people :D WoW friendships are coming along great again - am still very close to Fynik...don't see much of Caige any more :*( but that's partly cos I'm not on MSN much hehe. I've recently gotten close to a girl in our guild who is amazingly cool - I admit to being worried sick about her atm, her mental state seems worse than mine *sends huggles to her* and I'm too far away to do anything, which sucks majorly. Still, we're having late night conversations about random stuff which is ace - I show her my writing and drawing, she shows me her poetry and her singing :D
On the subject of friends, since my phone exploded, I don't have anyone's number any more :( My email is scarey_clarey69@hotmail.com. Anyone who wants me to have their number, can you email it to me? I would ask you to comment but I ain't got the faintest clue how to work all this weird shit that LJ does :D so it'll have to be email fraid hehe.

Creativity
One thing that's been concerning me a lot of late is my apparent inability to do anything creative like I used to - I've stopped LARPing for around a year now, my RP has been severely cut due to WoW being the only outlet and I'm doing more game-mechanical stuff instead of RPing, my drawing hands have left me (I tried about a month ago and made a tauren look like a strangled bear) and every time I try and write I get stuck. I have LOADS of catching up to do on Jaha's story but I can't seem to summon it up in my head. The memories are there, but the words don't come out right. I think the fact that I'm still wobbly in the brain pan is causing a problem for me, and I'm going to try going out once a week to sit somewhere quiet and write with my mp3 player on - am gonna make a soothing emotive playlist, one designed to inspire, find somewhere pretty, and let my pen have free reign. Let's see what happens :)

WoW
Well, I DID delete a load of characters in an attempt to make WoW less stressful (if you play you know what I mean when I say it can be stressful :P). It didn't work...all it did was make me feel guilty over my hunter not being as good as she used to be. Thing is, my greatest joy in WoW is to play with Mikey. Mikey likes instances. So I never bring my hunter to instances, because I don't want to roll on hunter loot...which means every other character advances a little bit, but not my hunter :S
Well, that's how it USED to be. Mikey now has 2 level 70's! *cheers* He has a warrior as well now :D
So, to continue, I got all my characters back, 'cept the druid (level 27) and the alli hunter (level....something :S). My curernt listing is:

70:
Paladin (Prot spec, but with dps and healing gear)
Hunter (BM spec - had AWFUL gear but is almost completely blue now)
Warlock (Desto spec - when I deleted her she had Frozen Shadoweave, but I sold it *staggers* so I'm in the process of getting it back)
Priest (Shadow spec - once I've cleared Netherstorm and SMV of quests am speccing holy, am making her Primal Mooncloth gear now)

60-70:
Mage (Frost spec - still heavily questing, but on hold for now; she was Mike's warrior's levelling partner) - 68.

1-60:
Shaman (Enhance spec - sort of on-off levelling when I'm in the mood) - 52, nearly 53.
Warrior (Arms spec - on hold to level with Mikey's priest) - 20.
Hunter (MM spec, but really only a bank alt.) - 14.
Rogue (Alliance character, there for when I cba to play Horde, still only low level :P) - 7.
Druid (Only started last night - getting her to 13-14 to be ready for Mikey's rogue, gonna be BOOMKIN! *rawr*) - 5.

Yes, I have 2 tailors. When my mage hits 70, she's going tailoring as well (she's currently herb/alch, but my lock's a herber, so my mage can drop herbing :D) for the Spellfire set. Then I'll have a tailor of each spec *cheers* Also means I can get Aldor and Scryer patterns without getting stupidly high with one then going back the other way :P

I'm finally actually happy with my hunter again. She's back in Ari Scara, and I'm making enquiries about Fenris-ship again :D Speaking to a friend last night, he said he still sees me as a Fenris, since I still have access to the Fenris Den on the forums, and I'm still in the Fenris channel....he does have a point. Thing is though, I mess people about a lot :S I know now, after deleting and getting back, that my Jaha is happiest when a Fenris, and so am I. Oh, speaking of which, I finally got rid of the crappy Jaha-is-a-hunter-and-a-warlock thing - I paid for the lock's name to be changed *cheers* I also sorted out a load of RP gear for my chars - I got Jaha's Grunt outfit back...made my night when, stood in Orgrimmar and checking Atlasloot for something, a random tauren came up to me and started RPing me as a real guard :D Asked me for directions - I was made up :D That outfit does stuff to you...I found myself just walking around Orgrimmar for about half an hour in it...of course if you /salute a guard they salute back, and it looks fucking ace when I stand there and salute and they salute back. If anyone wants a list of armor to recreate the costume for themselves, let me know and I'll post it :)

For those who are interested, one of my favourite things on WoW is to create RP outfits - my paladin has a set of the grey plate armor that drops in Outland - coupled with her Blood Knight tabard, a shield I found with the Blood Knight crest on it, and the Argent Defender. She looks ace. Cloak is a long grey one with dirty bronze edging...she looks mint. Am gonna do a study later on today - sort everyone's outfits and do armor listings - then I have it for future reference :) Gotta love WoW Model Viewer hehe!

Also, I have been struck dumb by the sheer awesomeness of a guy called Martin Falch. I'm a big supporter of machinima (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Machinima) and love the work of people like Myndflame (http://www.myndflame.com/), Brandon M.Dennis (http://www.oxhornbrandmovies.com/) and Rurikar (http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=Rurikar) but somehow I missed these films. Basically, there is a series of machinima called 'Tales of the Past'. If you have any interest in WoW at all but haven't seen them, I urge you strongly to go watch them.
There's 3 films, and to fully understand the story you have to watch all 3. In total, you're looking at over 2 hours of footage, so set aside some time for yourself. The first is okay, good story, no voice acting though. About 15 minutes long. The second one, a continuation of the first story, is better made. Voice acting this time, funny in parts, tragic in others, a thoroughly good watch.

The third is the best thing I have ever seen. It came out at the beginning of December and I have watched it 3 times since then. I have burned it to disc and handed it to my WoW playing friends. As I type this I have the urge to watch it again. I almost cried fangirl tears as I watched the 3rd...characters including several noteable Horde faces. Don't mistake me, this isn't an 'Alliance rulez, Horde suxx' vid, or the other way round - its a damn fine story that will move you several times before it is done. And the soundtrack - dear God, the soundtrack will blow you away!

http://www.talesofthepast.com/

Go watch. Nuff said.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

So that's the main of my update sorted. I'm a little disturbed that most of what I've written is WoW related - again, I still feel I should give it up permanently, and I think unless Mikey does too I'll never stop playing. But I 'm going to try harder. Getting out the house, writing, visiting people, even playing the PS2...all these things should help cut down my WoW time. We shall see!

I'm off now to take pics of my chars in their outfits :D If you're interested, check my Facebook - I'm on the 'I Play WoW' application now, and I'll upload the pics on there :D Though give me some time - might take me an hour or so to sort it :P

Thanks for listening to the rambling guys - laters :D

AAAAAARGH!

scarey.clarey69@gmail.com — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 09:57:03 GMT

My mobile phone is fucked beyond all recognition - all my numbers are on the phone.

I am ill with the Lurgy and now my throat is so sore I can't speak AT ALL.

I'm off work and so not earning any money and can't speak even if I did want to go to work.

I still haven't been able to finish Mikey's christmas present shopping because I'm off work.

AAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!

*tears hair out*

...I hate this time of year. -.-'

Random Oddness

scarey.clarey69@gmail.com — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 13:05:12 GMT

http://www.darklegacycomics.com/32.html

For all you WoW/Starship Troopers fans out there.

scarey.clarey69@gmail.com — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 10:10:43 GMT

Happy Birthday Peter, and remember, if you're getting sick of the well wishers....CAST FLARE!

:D :D :D

Maybe see y'all later :D

Rubber stamps people...someone somewhere is making them!

scarey.clarey69@gmail.com — Tue, 18 Sep 2007 18:48:55 GMT

This will be the last post I make that isn't friends only, so I'm asking you now if you want me to add you please comment here.

Bit of an odd couple of days, actually. Does anyone remember a bit ago that I had an anonymous comment made on one of my posts?

http://scarey-clarey69.livejournal.com/14989.html

Scroll down a bit. You'll see it. In fact, if you read the next couple of posts, you'll see that I carried on addressing this stranger, since I'm not a fan of mysteries. Well, anyway. Once again I prove that I am too nice and when I recieved an email apology from this person I suggested that we do the MSN thing once in a while. And we do. I learn that his name is Leon Davids, that he uses voice recognition software, that he has a few similar interests to myself, is almost painfully polite, and has also suffered a few of the same problems as I have.

I don't speak to Leon often, since he only seems to be online late at night, and as any good WoW player knows, that time of night is reserved for vainly trying to complete dailies or grinding Primals ;) But we do speak here and there.

Two nights ago, I was happily bodding around on the net and he pops on, says hey, and we chat for a bit. But tonight our Mr. Leon seems different, more "natural" I guess. Up to this point his 'talking' has seemed stilted in some way, hence the comment about the painfully polite air he gives. But its evidently the same person...its just as if Leon has loosened up a bit, you know?

Anyways, he says a few things here and there that just don't seem 'right'. Like he'll tell me he 'loves talking to me' and when I say 'I'm not that special, trust me' I get back 'oh but you are, trust me!'
Conversation goes on and he drops a real weird line.

'I miss you.'

...wtf? At this point cogs are already starting to turn. But we all know I'm a girl of much delusion-ness, so I decide to push the ignorance card.

' What?'
' I know I'm risking you cutting me off but can't carry on this way any more but...'
'Are you about to tell me you're someone I know?'
'Yes.'
'*growls* Are you going to tell me we're related by blood?'
'Yes. *sigh*'

I already know who this is by this point. But I carry on the sad sorry drama to its finale, all the same.

'Mark?'
'Who is Mark?'
'*stares* You're the one doing the revelations thing here....you tell me.'
'Please indulge me I beg you, who is Mark?'
'*folds arms* I tell you what. You cut the crap and come clean. And I consider whether I want to continue this conversation.

A few seconds pass...

'You are right, I'm your dad.'

lt only seems right that I fill in the blanks for all you peeps that have no idea why this is so messed up.

My parents split when I was 4. Pretty familiar story, dad visits at weekends, we stop over occasionally, all carries on as normal. Then he moves to Bradford. There are periods of years that go by between visits. All that promises never kept shit, you know the drill. But fuck that, that's no trouble, Clare here keeps the faith, y'know? He's got problems, we all have our own lives to live....I was always a daddy's girl, I guess. Never really bothered me.

When I went through my first real bout of depression, he was the one that came through. Turned up at my door, ready and willing to help the freakass girl whose head exploded. Yay me.

Time went on, we'd spend periods of speaking and losing touch, just like old friends I guess. I went to stay with him occasionally, it was cool. Like having a big brother. Someone to relate to.

When I was pregnant with Emily, it was also cool because he'd call and we'd chat. But I don't deal with pregnancy well. I get grumpy, tired, like every other pregnant woman. But I'm a nasty bitch at the best of times. So maybe it's partly my fault. But he'd start calling more often...WAY too often. It got to the stage where I'd just not answer the phone. I was getting next to no sleep at night, and I took to unplugging the phone during the day. The mobile I couldn't do anything about, but silent mode is a wonderful thing.

Last straw came when I got 19 calls in one day. I was actually starting to become unhinged. It was starting to feel like harassment. So I wrote him an email. Not good with confrontation, me. Just asking him to not call so much, y'know? Explaining that I was not getting sleep etc and the phone ringing all the time was really starting to wig me out.

I got back an email that made me feel like I'd kicked a puppy. So maybe I was wrong...but I feel that asking for a little space isn't bad. *shrugs* And not something to ignore him completely over, yeah, sure.

Then I had Emily. Most of you know the story behind that sorry state of affairs...but the severe depression that kicked in didn't make me very talkative. And yes, the fostering/adoption process that followed made making peace with my father a footnote on the agenda. Again, sue me if I did wrong.

But then he REALLY pissed me off. He started hassling my sister. Badly. It seems that if he couldn't get attention from me, he was going elsewhere. And back then, as awesome as she was and still is, my sister was in no way able to cope with that. So I rang him. And I told him in no uncertain terms to back the fuck off. I got a load of snide abuse and a childlike 'Don't you DARE call me Mark!' when I used his name instead of the honorific he'd just lost the right to be called. Hardly the behaviour of a stable father figure.

*shrugs*

His choice.

So I decided, that's it. No small chance of anything there. And it was as if blinkers fell off....the scary thing is, me and him are very alike, in some ways TOO alike. He gets the 'I'm right, you HAVE to be wrong' thing, just like I do. He is monumentally stubborn.

And, he is also prone to depression. Hey, Mark, least I don't got the alcoholic thing going on yet, eh?

Thing is, it was never an equal thing. He always needed more from me than I could give. And I guess I could sense that, whenever we talked. It was as if he drained me. And then, even now, I don't need that. I have enough of my own troubles to be babysitting a guy who should be doing that for me. Maybe I'm a bad daughter. But it seems to me that the guy who's been married to my mother for around 15 years, the guy who threw my birthday parties, protected my mother and my sister, HE'S the one that deserves the honorific, y'know?

And after that little stunt the other night, I think I was just proved right.

I have no doubt at all that he will be reading this. It's partly why I've left it unlocked. Yes, I'm too much of a coward to say it to his face. *shrugs* Again with the confrontation I guess. But sorry Mark, you're not my dad. A component in the biological process, yep, can't take that away from you. And again, there's a hell of a lot of you in me, sadly. But while you have the flesh, you don't have the spirit. That goes to the guy who, even after all the shit we've given each other, even after the crap we've dealt with as a family...he's still there for me. Not as a weak pussy-ass that needs to have the acceptance and the forgiveness he has yet to earn, but as a Dad.

Guess I'm lucky...in most break-up's kids feel they lose their dads. Not me. I found mine.

Boggley Goodness

scarey.clarey69@gmail.com — Sat, 15 Sep 2007 13:11:06 GMT

http://2flashgames.com/fullscreen.php?id=4935

Just don't come crying to me.

*cackles madly*

I left the house...AND I LIVE!

scarey.clarey69@gmail.com — Sat, 15 Sep 2007 11:19:32 GMT

Yesterday was a bit of a turning point methinks. Me and Mikey had planned to go into town and mooch a little bit - perhaps do the charity shop thing, get a Costa, just, you know, chill.

The night before I'd said I might not come cos I was being wiggy as usual but come the morning, I was awake a good 15mins before the alarm went off, so I gave myself a mental shove and jumped in the shower. Once I'd done that, I washed our mugs up, made us tea, did myself up as a painted Jezebel, and sat at the pc checking mail/forums etc. While I'd been in bed I'd been mulling over a drawing I wanted to do of my mage, so I logged onto WoW briefly and took a few screenies then logged off again. Mikey made me toast (yay!) because I'd decided I wanted NOTHING to be a factor in possible wigout and taking hunger out of the equation was a good start. I finished getting ready, ate toast, drank tea, sketched a little...and it came out good for the first time in months!

So obviously I left the house on a high...we did the town thing...I bought books (masses and masses - my running total is now 827 :D). I nearly had a bad turn but managed to disable it (not before I shouted at Mikey though :( sorry babe) and we carried on. There was a bit of a close call when in one of the charity shops "Iris" started playing, but we both got a bit upset over that, and then Mikey kicked the radio and muffled it so that made me giggle...we went into the shop next door ad the same bloody song was playing...curse you Lincs FM!...so we ran out and I said to Mikey "Quick! Do something funny!"...he slapped himself which shouldn't have made me laugh but he did it comedy stylee so it did >.< We went to sit on the wino benches and saw a Peter who danced for us :D Then Mikey danced too :D Then they stopped because there was a policewoman behind us and we didn't want her to think I was some sort of dancing fetishist and was going to pay them - still it would have been funny to see Mikey and Peter arrested for "dance-related soliciting" *giggles* I should have thrown pennies :P

Anyways, after that we hit KFC but the place randomly smelt of vomit so we left and sat on the wino benches eating sandwiches. Then we visited the LARP house where much fun-ness was to be had - we ended up staying there all afternoon chatting away to Ryan, Abi, Ken and Gems PVK which was ace! When we left we kidnapped the Gems and took her back to drool at the books *grins* Belly came to pick her up and I gave him some of my second copies - mainly cos I was shocked that someone else actually knew what the Otherland series was *laughs*

3 out of the 4 of us hadn't eaten, so Mikey went to fetch chips for his mum while Gems and Belly Tekken'ed for a bit and I checked forums, then he came back and we all went to Pizza Hut where we were served by the delectable Lacey *sighs happily* ah bliss...sat next to great boobs and served by them :D Twas heaven! We found kids drawing books and played Squares....Mikey got grumpy because he wasn't winning...then he was so it was all good....but then he was distracted by pizza....can't blame him, twas mighty fine pizza (goats cheese and red onion...omfg *falls off chair*)

After that we went our separate ways - me and Mikey attempted to watch some Buffy but we started dozing on the sofa so we went to bed :D
I decided that I was going to actually update my LJ and I also decided to finally join Facebook as I dozed off, and sure enough, I got up this morning and did both!

Here is my Facebook page for those who are interested:

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=574391460

I have made friends requests to people already but if I haven't to your good self by all means poke me...feel free to pet the rabbit :D Her name is Fluffy and she is cute and sweet and deadly *smiles innocently* If you see a pic of yourself on there and you object, shout at me and I will take it down.

I love you all! And to those of you that were a part of it, thank you for an AWESOME day yesterday.

Laters all :)

*hugs and waves*

New Hair Among Other Things

scarey.clarey69@gmail.com — Sat, 11 Aug 2007 05:41:54 GMT

Whooo...I kinda meant to update sooner than this...but me being lazy/addicted to having my pc on kinda didn't. That might not make much sense so let me explain.

I got new hair! As in, I got a lightener and some bright red dye and proceeded to strip the last ounces of fight my beleagured mop had in it. The in-between stage was kinda scary...

...this is why I will NEVER go blonde as long as I live. My pretty little golden haired girl days are far, far behind me. However, the after stage, ie the gorgeous redness that is my new win hair I adore. Love. Cannot get enough of. I is win. Don't believe me? See for yourself:

I know which one I prefer! :D

So what has this got to do with my pc being on and me not updating? I shall tell you, oh so impatient one! :D

I took these with my sexy new barfday digicam. However, before I could take pics, I had to charge it. I am teh lazy, we know this. I finally got around to charging the cam and taking the pictures about, ooh...two days after my hair was done? Yes, yes, I know...I am teh lame. So did I then bound to my computer to upload this pictorial ambrosia? No! And why is this?

...because I had to install the software onto said pc. This was no problem. The problem came when the inevitable "Your pc must restart for this software to not blow your pc to bits" screen appeared.

I finally restarted my pc last night. Well, more accurately, about 3 hours ago, when I went to bed with Mikey in an attempt to sleep. He wasn't feeling so ace so we curled up with the laptop and the Matrix Reloaded...which we got halfway through and Mikey needed sleep. I don't blame him...he's poorly and he's done a full day at work and gone out for social drinky type stuff. Bless him.

While he was out I sat and played my paladin, who I've neglected of late. My interest dwindled when I respecced her to Protection...I remember respeccing my shammy and finding I couldn't frost shock a bloody potato unaided, so I guess I had assumed this would be the same. Then Mikey was going through his warrior's bank and idly mused over whether he should sell some stuff...he casually linked me a level 61 blue plate breastplate that almost made my face melt...it was delicious...I exploded in disbelief at his blasphemous notion of exchanging such loveliness for common gold when he linked me another item, level 60...and far, far more delicious and warrior-y than the metallic goodness he was dangling in front of my slavering jaws. Then he stopped and said, "ooh I know, would you like it for your pa-" and with that my shaman was chewing on his leg in an attempt to get the green git to hand over the goods.

So I tentatively ventured Taelle out into the wilderness...knowing I had shitloads of quests to do and only a tiny bit of my bar to fill with blue before I got to cloak her in sexy uber-plate of doom. They pretty much involved annihilating the fauna of the general area so off I went, polearm in hand, fully expecting to sob in despair and switch characters to donate cash for a respecc.

Oh. My. God.

5 mobs. Tanked. Deaded. Only when the 6th sneaky troll bastard stepped out from the hut he'd been sniping at me from and went "you forgot about me mon!" did I fall over. I can solo like I've never solo'ed with her before. She hits like a train, laughs when mobs try to do the same, dances, stabs, cartwheels, parrys and even comes with a free complimentary clock radio.

My God, I love this character all over again. If it were possible, I'd make her mine and populate the world with mini Taelle-Clarey hybrids. Suffice to say I am concentrating on clearing my unfinished business in Azeroth then taking her over to wreak havoc on the denizens of Outland.

Speaking of gold (well not immediately of course but a bit ago I was! I was! Really! Lookit! *points upwards*) I recently spent everything I had on levelling Jewelcrafting on my hunter. She's been a bit stiffed on the professions side, since after the warlock became bankrupt tailoring to level high enough to make Mikey a tuxedo back in the heady days of my noobhood I got a bit scarred with the whole crafting thing. She was a skinner only when I levelled it from 1-250 in a night....I can't remember what she was before that....she's a miner and has been for a while but that got left until a friend convinced me that I COULD ninj through Blackrock Depths and not die...too much...I took up Blacksmithing after ditching Skinning because I levelled her from 60-70 with Mikey and since he was skinning too it wasn't fair if I took the leather. But that got to a whole 82 when I decided I just couldn't be arsed.
I'd tried Jewelcrafting with Viscella, my priest, but gave it up on the grounds that it is hideously, disgustingly expensive. But I had a load of gold kicking around, and I figured sod it, a Jewelcrafter would be as useful as hell so I'll do it! I did it mainly by utilising the delights of the Auction House and my pretty decent savings....some grinding was involved but not a hefty lot to be fair. However it did bankrupt me. Completely. So yesterday I had a big sort out of all my banks and gathered together anything I didn't need. I knocked up a couple of 18-slot bags as well and flung the lot on the Auction House. I went from 31g to over 400g overnight. It was great! So that's that problem out of the way. Especially since Viscella's 67 and isn't far from her Bob (for those of you unaware "Bob" is what I have christened every flying wyvern mount I own, will own, or that anyone else owns).

Hanyway, in other WoW news, Mikey's warrior is now level 51, and 300 Blacksmithing. My shaman is 47, and 282 engineering (I WILL have it to 300! I WILL!) . My mage is coming along nicely too at level 46 and I'm botting her through instances when the mood takes me with the kind donation of Mikey's account. So WoW is good again (yay!).

I have been having a look at that free game, Rappelz, that's going about. It's not bad to be fair. Easy to get to grips with, pretty fun, and the characters are all very pretty to look at, very anime-ish. If anyone decides to give it a go give me a shout and I'll tell you my server and character name. You WILL have to work out how to contact me in-game though since I still don't have a clue. o.O

Ahem. Anyway, I've wandered off anything useful now so I shall come back. The reason I'm updating at silly o'clock is because I can't sleep. This is mainly because yesterday, since I knew Mikey was at work all day and I wasn't in a great mood, I just stayed in bed. Read for a bit, played the PSP, dozed, woke, read some more, got a cup of tea, went back to bed. "What's the point?" was my phrase of the day. But today seems a little better! I am going to tidy up our living room again since it seems to be festooned in an array of junk, stuff, and guff that is all radiating out from my pc >.> *coughs awkwardly* yes, well...um...I shall take care of it anyways. Mikey says he is going to put some tents up today, but I think if he does he's a fool...I saw what he was like with his poorlyness yesterday and if he's still sore today I will tell him so.

It's funny what you think about though, when you can't sleep...I was laid in bed next to Mikey earlier, thinking random thoughts about death and stuff. I have no idea what started me off like that, but I will say if anyone thinks they might be offended, stop reading. I don't want to upset anyone. :S

Still with me? Cool! Right, anyways, I was laying there, thinking about all the different theories, fictional or otherwise, I'd heard about death and stuff. I think I might have been started off on it because of a chat me and Mikey had earlier about him and his days in the fire brigade, but it could have been anything I guess. It started me thinking about my beliefs, such as they are. I guess I don't actually believe anything concrete. For a long time I wanted to believe in the Christian God, but there were just too many loopholes for me. It was pretty recently if I'm honest that I let go of the "wanting" and accepted that I just, well, don't. But that of course led me to thinking about exactly what I DO believe, like, what will happen when I die? Will I go anywhere?

I came to the conclusion that I don't have any set beliefs, I guess. I think there has to be something, there just does. I sit here typing, feeling my fingers tap the keys, knowing the rudimentary processes that make it happen. I am aware of myself, my existence. I am more than just this body. I HAVE to be. There is no definable location of my body that contains what I think of as "me" - the essence of me. The soul. Whatever you want to call it. When I die, something will change. Something will leave this body. What is it they say, you lose exactly 27g when you die? Is that all I am? 27g? No. There HAS to be something more.

I read a series of books by a guy called Peter F. Hamilton...don't know if any of you have read them....I forget the name of the trilogy, but basically they're about the dead coming back and possessing the living. Not in an Exorcist kind of way, more of... Imagine if that nice old lady you pass on the way to work died and found herself in a version of Hell - a complete absence of sensation. No feeling, no warmth, no love....just the endless awareness of the millions of souls trapped like you - unable to do anything but watch helplessly the world of the living - all that sensation a hair's breadth away but utterly unreachable. There is no time there...only the endless suffering of every being that ever lived.

Now imagine that this dear old lady, good Christian soul, always went to church on Sundays, was good to her fellow man, existing in this mockery of an afterlife, what if our friend here was given the opportunity to get out? But to do so, she had to browbeat another living soul into submission, to take their body by force? Would she do it, this mild-mannered old dear? You bet your life she would, because that place is Hell. So she does, our genteel Mrs Jones or Smith or whatever. And she can live again.

Thing is, though, there's not enough souls in this "Hell" to account for everyone who ever lived, ever. So some must be somewhere else...but where? Maybe they had the courage to go on... to explore...to continue the adventure....

I think that's what I've come to the conclusion of. I'm scared of death. I'm terrified. But I think, when my time comes, I'll find the courage to continue the adventure...to see what's out there....to go on to whatever there may be, you know?

Bah. I need coffee. I'm still wide awake, but bits of me have given it up as a bad job and are snoring. So I shall make coffee. Then I shall check my email. Then I shall level the pally.

...don't expect anything deep or meaningful out of me for a while....that's this year's quota used up in one fell swoop :P

Laters! :D

He's Cute! He's Cuddly!

scarey.clarey69@gmail.com — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 13:09:16 GMT

http://www.zestuff.com/plush/toyvault/694/

Gief.

Nau.

Barfdayness!

scarey.clarey69@gmail.com — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 11:43:58 GMT

Lo all...

Big thankies to everyone who wished me a happy day yesterday, whether via LJ, MSN, WoW, text or missed phone call...you are all amazing people and I love you all dearly.

Bit of an odd day truth be told. I only opened my presents a few hours ago - yes I am well aware it is now most definitely not my birthday, but yesterday was a bit of a disaster. I was well and truly in a black mood - spent most of the day in bed, didn't answer my phone, wouldn't open my presents...cried a lot...I was in one of those black pits kind of things. It was truly horrible - worst birthday ever...Mikey did his best bless him - he bought me breakfast tea and bacon, he kept trying to make me laugh, never pushing, always gentle...but I wasn't having any of it. It's weird because today I woke up in an ace mood and went downstairs, had tea, laughed, hugged, told silly jokes, and opened my gifts. I got way more than I expected and in all honesty deserved...even the doggies bought me a gift ;)...I kept crying but this time it was happiness I guess *smiles* Mikey and his family are truly amazing people and I consider myself blessed to know them. But its like I said to Joan (Mikey's mum) after I'd opened them...it could have been sacks of coal and I'd still be happy because of the thought.

I will be making personal thank yous and apologies for snubbings (from me) and for birthday wishes (from you lot) as and when I see/hear/type to you all...love to everyone and don't worry about me - today I am bouncing off the walls and in a great mood - one of those true "I can do anything!" moods - so that's good at least :D

Laters all! *waves and dances*

Jobcentre am twunts

scarey.clarey69@gmail.com — Sat, 28 Jul 2007 07:08:29 GMT

I applied for a job at the Jobcentre itself, right? Apparently they're laying off a load of staff and now have temporary 3-month vacancies...the lady I usually see to sign on with recommended I go for the job.

First of all, apparently I was given the wrong form - I handed it in and a couple of days later I got a phone call telling me that they would be posting another form out to me, and could I return it to the Jobcentre? Fine, says I, no worries. If I'm honest, I couldn't see a damn difference between the forms, apart from the fact that they were laid out slightly differently.

I heard nothing for a couple of weeks...

Then a couple of days ago I got a letter saying I was "unsuccessful". Thanks. Yesterday, I got another letter.

"Further to our letter of 24/7/07, I apologise for the inaccuracy of its contents. Please accept this corrected version.

"Thank you for your application for Administrative Officer. Unfortunately on this occasion you have not been selected for the next stage of the selection process."

So not content with saying "you're crap, fuck off!" once, they decided to do it again! Gee, thanks! That brightened up my day!

*grinds teeth*

Bastards.

In other news, I had a bit of a blow yesterday...on WoW, outside my guild there are only a handful of people I talk to, and until recently only two I would go out of my way for. One quit the game but I still love him to bits - I WILL get around to drawing his character, just as soon as my meager talent behaves :S So that only leaves one other person I will bend over backwards for. He's not part of our guild but he bloody should be *grins* He was for a little while but his character didn't feel like he "fitted"...Jaha however is still very protective of him and firmly believes he'll be back in the pack one day.

We were on MSN yesterday talking about this...and he turned to me and said "Yes, well...one day might have to be pretty soon...as in 4 days..." Alarm bells ringing, I asked him why...

His parents are sending him to boarding school for a year apparently. No WoW for at least 6 months, no MSN...at least not until he can get a pc sorted of some description, whether it be laptop or what.

*cries*

I love this lad to bits - he is one of life's genuinely good guys. He's a fantastic RP'er - no uberdemon crap, always playing his rogue in a fully believable and easy-to-interact-with fashion...he is one of the best rogues on the server in my opinion and he describes himself as a "humble apple thief" - that statement there pretty much describes all you need to know of him. The server will be diminished without him. Seriously. Is it bad that I cried? I will miss him so feckin much its stupid...bah.

The worst of it is, his gametime expires on the 31st July. My birthday. *cries some more*

It's shit...no more Caige, no more Fynik....who's bloody left on the server? I still have the pack and for that I'll always be grateful for - they are truly a fantastic bunch of people. But Dave and Jonas, you two are fucking ace. The server just won't feel right without the two of you around.

Aaanyway....in other news, I found myself lying in bed this morning mulling over some random thoughts.
Stop reading now if you're squeamish *winks*

....still with me? Ok? Good! :D

Me and Mikey tend to be pretty rough with each other. Our idea of showing affection to each other is (along with hugs and tenderness), body locks, squeezing the life out of each other (well, me, cos I'm weak :D ), scratching, biting, pinching (that's my desperate attempts to escape *laughs*) and general rough play. Last night we were messing about and he had his legs locked around my ribs. His legs are insanely strong. He could easily crack my ribs if he wanted to...but I trust him implicitly, and I guess he trusts me to say "stop" if it's too much *smiles* Guess that's what makes it so cool - as well as just pissing about, it reaffirms our trust in one another. Hell, I wouldn't let anyone else do it! *winks*

But I was thinking about this while I was lying awake earlier...and I thought, what if he did crack a rib? And we went to A&E, how would we explain that? I would have to work fecking hard so they didn't think he was a wife-beater wouldn't I? That thought really bothered me...I'd have to be honest, but that would have to be rather embarrassing...that's not a problem though *giggles* But I'd be really worried they'd think he was hurting me on purpose, you know?

"No, no, honestly, I like it when he does it! No, I mean, not when he cracks my ribs, I mean...oh buggrit..."

Doh.

Guess I'll have to practice...the way we mess around there WILL be an injury one day *grins ruefully*

That's it for now guys...laters all :)

scarey.clarey69@gmail.com — Fri, 27 Jul 2007 07:46:53 GMT

I decided that I am not going to the Gathering this year. Since I have been to, ooh, 2 LARP events since the last one and that's it, this won't come as a shock to most of you.

The main part of this decision is the Tarantula-Unicorn "thing" that's going on - in my current frame of mind the last thing I think I can deal with is my beloved charging at me about to obliterate my character from the face of the planet - he has offered to "overlook" me but I refuse to let him metagame on account of me - it's better if I'm out of the way. Because of this, I don't think I'll be back to LT until Mikey rejoins the Unicorns, if he ever does. As far as I'm concerned LARP was Mikey's hobby before mine and he gets the rights to it, if you like. I'm not gonna mess up something he loves because I'm a walking mess. I just can't deal with that sort of thing at the moment - hell, I have trouble sorting out RL me let alone a fictional character's state of mind...

A warning quickly to any of you well-meaning friends of mine out there - I WILL NOT sit and have you all beg/threaten/cajole/ask politely/drag me to the G. Any attempts as such will get your MSN windows closed, your texts unanswered, your phone calls cut short, or me walking away from you, without exception. I have made my decision and it is not up for debate. If you think I am afraid to lose friends over this, look at it this way.

I have made a request. A simple one. If you choose to disregard this, you are showing me great disrespect and therefore I'm not sure I want you around anyway.

Please don't misunderstand, if you stay away from any "please come" talk, I have no problems with any of you....I love you all to bits and pieces *hugs*. But don't test me on this. I don't like my decision, I cried last night over it when Mikey fell asleep...but in my present state of mind LARP would bring more harm than good. Which is shit.

Argh...Mikey if you're reading this, DO NOT come back to the Unicorns just for me....if you do I will smoosh you. And possibly not come back just to spite you...:P But if and when you do go back, I'll come with you. Love you...

*coughs in embarrassment*

Aaanyway...I will be on MSN for random chit chat as usual...doesn't mean you can avoid talking about LARP or the Gathering or anything, just don't ask me to come. I will cut you off. This is not an idle boast on here..it's the truth. You'd be causing me more pain than doing any good.

*hugs to all*

Laters :)

scarey.clarey69@gmail.com — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 09:29:54 GMT

Whoo...lots to say I guess.

I got a letter through this morning, from Social Services. Apparently Emily's potential adoptive parents have been to court now and its all official. Emily is theirs now, and in the eyes of the law I have one daughter.

When I read the letter it hurt more than I thought it would, and yet less but in a different way. To quote from the letter, "...Emily appears so settled with Chris and Karen and they love her so much you can be reassured that you made the right decisions for her."

I know I made the right decision for so many reasons. The poor girl was born out of a misplaced desire to make someone happy and I will never forgive myself for that. However, I gave life to that wonderful little girl and she is now making a childless couple very happy, so I am thankful for that.

I remember when I first got pregnant with Emily I was absolutely petrified. I had made the decision to abort (it would have been the 3rd time for me, yes I have terminated 2 pregnancies in the past) before I had told my then partner Lewis the news, because of my past history with Charlotte. I suffered from a very bad bout of post-natal depression with Charlotte, not helped by the fact that she was diagnosed with meningitis at 8 hours old. We spent Christmas and New Year in hospital while she got well and by the time the 3 weeks had passed I think I was well and truly on the downward slope. It was 2 years after that when I started to recover, and even then it wasn't until I left Charlotte's father Daniel that I really started to see life for what it was again.

Sadly leaving Daniel meant leaving Charlotte, but in the capable hands of her grandmother Sue, who is still doing a fantastic job raising her. Again, that was a decision I still believe was the right one...I will not sit here and justify it to you all now because I have justified it to the one person who matters....myself.

Anyway, when I split with Lewis and was attempting to bring Emily up without him I realised exactly why I had been right to leave Charlotte. I am not mother material, never have been. When I was younger I always swore two things - I would never get married, and I would never have kids. Funny really, I've been engaged officially twice and had 2 children. And it would seem that my earlier childish instincts were right all along.
Most of the time with Emily was when I developed my passion for Warcraft - I was trapped in the flat, again with post-natal depression, the one person I really cared about and wanted to be with I couldn't for various reasons, and Lewis's parents still took Emily from time to time. But it wasn't enough. She just wasn't receiving the care she needed from me, so I gave her to Social Services.

She went away on the 30th of January, 2006. I remember the date vividly, as it was Lewis's birthday...possibly his 21st if memory serves. I remember him telling me that I had ruined his birthday forever, which I can understand. I hear that most of Grantham despises me for what I did, but again I feel no need to "excuse" or explain my actions to these people.

I still have a lot of respect for the fact that Lewis's girlfriend came to me and decided to find out for herself what I was like, instead of listening to hearsay and making a judgement about me. I'm actually overjoyed that Lewis has someone to love him and look out for him because I know that as well as fucking myself up royally over our relationship I damn well nearly did the same to him. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that your firstborn is in someone else's hands...I'm sorry I heaped so much on you when you weren't ready, I'm sorry for everything I put you through. And I hope you can forgive me for it.

I guess the crux of the matter is, when I look back on piviotal decisions in my life, such as those pertaining to my two daughters (no matter what the law says, Emily is still a part of me and I will never dishonour her by pretending otherwise) I still don't think I would have done things in a massively different way. I may not be right now, but I have people around me that are helping me get there. Charlotte and Emily are loved and cared for, and I guess I've done my bit by perpetuating the human race *wry smile* even if I don't get to see the fruits of those "labours".

I still miss them both terribly. I want to go see Charlotte again sometime soon if I can. I hope that, when Emily is old enough, she may come seek me out. And if she doesn't, well, that's mine to deal with.

Big Sorries and Huggles

scarey.clarey69@gmail.com — Mon, 16 Jul 2007 02:44:53 GMT

Sorry.

To those of you that have been angered, scared, confused and downright exasperated with me the past days/weeks/months, I'm sorry. I love you all to bits and pieces and you have all been insanely patient with me. I'm not gonna do what so many other people have done and sit and thank you all individually, because you ALL know who you are - anyone that's sat on MSN with me while I cry and get snot all over the keys....anyone who has been promised "Clarey time" and then got to where they were going and found no Clarey...anyone who has spent their time worrying over me when I suddenly cut off MSN/texting/phone calls with a cursory "gotta go" and no other explanation....you have all got the patience of a saint and I love you all.

I am taking steps to correct the Scarey Clarey. I'm going to talk to people, to professionals, and I'm hoping that I'm going to turn things around. I will probably do a friends-only post when I get back home tomorrow from talking and stuff.

I will take this opportunity to do a list of things to work towards:

1) I will leave the house more often.
2) I will make more of an effort to find a job.
3) I will stop taking my friends for granted.
4) I will do more constructive things - writing, drawing, reading outside again (damn I haven't done that for ages! I need a new tree :D).
5) Having Clarey time - not pc time, just time out - walking, listening to music...finding myself again.

There will be more to add to this.

I will update after my appointment tomorrow....much love and thanks to you all *hugs tightly*

To the Anonymous Poster :)

scarey.clarey69@gmail.com — Sat, 14 Jul 2007 10:05:49 GMT

Hi...yeah, we got off to a bad start my friend, but I apologise wholeheartedly for seeing your comment in a torrent of rage rather than with the eyes of understanding.

If you wish to come talk to me and say hi, even if its just as an idle chat-mate on MSN or via email or whatever, a new friend is always welcome.

If you decide not to, then I accept your decision...and next time I will attempt to view anonymous comments with a little more understanding *winks*

scarey.clarey69@gmail.com — Fri, 13 Jul 2007 21:32:02 GMT

If I find out who has the "bravery" to insult me then sign it as anonymous, I will make sure you live to regret it.

Do not think this is an idle threat. If you have any type of honour about yourself I suggest you come forward.

Don't fuck guys. Srsly.

scarey.clarey69@gmail.com — Fri, 13 Jul 2007 14:14:39 GMT

Right.

This is a rant.

A seemingly non-specific rant, but a rant nonetheless.

First of all a question, and I'm not fishing for compliments here. A little honesty please, or nothing at all.

Do I seem, to any of you, a walkover? Soft? Someone to use when convenient then push aside for more favourable persons?

Yes? Then fuck off. Go on....off you go...
No? You're lying to me. You can fuck off too.

If you were wise enough not to answer so quickly, then I will continue ranting.

I don't open up easily. There are VERY FEW people who have seen the real Clare, and even fewer that are still a part of my life. And when I do open up to someone, it is because I am prepared and willing to accept that person into my life in a deeper way. As in, I will lay down my goddamn fucking life for this person if need be. So I guess when I get it thrown back in my face, or ignored, or I'm given lip service as the person then fucks off and laughs it up with other people and I sit like a mug waiting for the call that never comes, I get a little pissed.

Maybe I choose the wrong people for this. But I tell you now. There are no second chances. So that's it, not interested. Sorry.

To all of you that see me over the next few weeks, I will be different. I will still bounce, I will still occasionally make a funny. But you may see a side to me you don't like. I've had enough of taking shit guys, I'm not the fucking toilet you're looking for. So I may seem a little less fluffy...and a little more spiky. Tough. Deal with it. I have.

Thoughts on RP....opinions please

scarey.clarey69@gmail.com — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 13:51:03 GMT

I've been having some PM tennis on my guild forums with a friend of mine and we've gotten into some quite interesting discussion on the nature of RP....mainly to do with immersion I guess, and the way we see our characters.

For example, I see my characters as separate entities, whereas for my friend, they represent different facets of his personality.

To make it a little clearer, I will quote the last message I sent him for your viewing pleasure:

"I wonder though, if my RP style is the unusual one of the two of us, then...I mean I really do see my characters as separate people. It wasn't always that way, until I discovered WoW I always played an idealised version of myself. But when I got into this amazing world that we are all so fond of, my character sort of became herself, without any conscious effort from me. Sure, there are parts to her that I strongly identify with, and there are qualities in her that I adore, perhaps even revere - there is definitely an element of wishful thinking in my creation of her. I did at the beginning see her as an extension of myself, a way of thinking that was strengthened as mine and Mike's relationship began to deepen. That's the reason I/Jaha gets so jealous when Schlutt recieves female attention and why I had such problems when Schlutt had an IC relationship with Shateen. I played with him so long as having him "only" as Schlutt, or should I say that was the closest I had to having him in person, that in my eyes, he is Schlutt. This was brought home to me yesterday in fact *grins* - I was making some avatars out of WoW pics and found a picture of an orc that looked a lot like Schlutt, and I found it attractive. Not because I'm some sort of weirdo, but because it reminded me so strongly of Mike's alter ego, and in turn, of Mike.

I'm thinking your way of playing is probably the most healthy though. Mine speaks of neediness, extreme escapism, and possibly to those who don't know me well, the inability to differentiate between RL and the virtual world. That's bollocks though hehe..I can tell the difference quite plainly...it's just that sometimes, I don't want to.

My connection with Jaha was deepened when I began to write about her, to draw her....her personality began to shape as did my affection for her....it's quite bad really, I look at her ingame, and sometimes I get a very real warm rush of love for her. Almost like a daughter...now that IS messed up...and a very bad way of displacing unfulfilled affection, if you see what I mean *winces.*

It's like when I RP properly with her....like the time Cajuungumbo took Schlutt and Jaha to Nagrand for the first time....they emerged from the trees of Terokkar and stood near the body of water near the edge...Jaha was moved, and so was I. I actually cried...because the overflow of emotion from the immersion was that strong. That's why "Origins" is such a dear piece of music to me....it always brings thoughts of Jaha, Schlutt, Nagrand, Grom, the whole of orcish history. And it's moving. Fills me with all sorts of crap - feelings of honour, responsibility, love, being part of something greater....the feeling that Jaha (and by proxy me) matters.

Gah, that's it, isn't it? The game may try to give you the "YOU ARE THE HERO!" feeling and fail miserably, but the reason RPers stay longer than others is that we KNOW our characters are heros - not dragonslaying-save-the-world-from-evil-you-are-the-chosen-one heros, but strong, worthy people, those that don't abandon their loved ones, that stay the course, face stupid odds, and all in the name of making their friends and beloveds happy...people we all wish we could be, I guess...

And just as I'm about to click "send" what should iTunes throw at me? Yes, you guessed it...I have "Origins" and even though I'm typing about it, I'm still getting it...damn it - you might be a fictional character Jaha, but I love you as if you were my own flesh and blood...

*sighs and calls for the men in white coats*"

How do you lot feel about this? Do you treat tabletop, LARP, WoW-RP and any other forms in different ways? Are some forms more immersive than others? Do you have strong feelings for any of your own creations? Do you see yourself as one and the others as just stories to live on your days off? Any thoughts please - I will be checking this regularly and replying to comments.

Oh, and in case any of you are interested, the picture of the orc that reminded me so strongly of Mike:

A picture of Mike's WoW character:

And one of my favourite pictures of Mike himself:

Anyone else see it? Or is it just me? *grins* Ah well....maybe I really am mad *winks*

Replies please :)